The Gist of It…
Art : BETTER.
By Sakuan.
The Gist of it all.
I don’t get it, I don’t understand it myself, I don’t get what that feeling is, am I supposed to focus in order to get it? Is it jealousy? No. Is it failure? No. Is it the fact that you are a nobody? No… Yes? Perhaps it encompasses all of the above feelings; sometimes I wish I were omniscient, a blasphemy, I know. I get the feeling when I see somebody my age or close to my age being successful and beloved in their work, what makes it even more confusing is the fact that it isn’t just anybody I get his feeling with, it is specific people. I look where I am at in life and feel like a failure, well I am a failure because I haven’t accomplished what other people my age have accomplished, and I feel down at times, but that is just how life is. I can’t explain the feeling, I wish I had someone to talk to about these types of things, maybe a lover? But how can I even love when I am scared of betrayal? Why does my life have to be this complicated? When I look at some accomplished people, I wonder why them and not me. I only started feeling this way once I understood how the world works. I finally got to understand just because you work hard doesn’t mean you are guaranteed to succeed, your chances of success are increased immensely when you work hard but it isn’t a guarantee, this is because your societal success doesn’t only involve you, it involves other people too, and for you to be successful you need other people whether you like it or not. We are social creatures indeed, for you to lose all that weight you wanted to lose, you need other people’s help, you don’t own the gym, you didn’t build all those exercise machines, the fact that you know you have to exercise to lose weight: that knowledge came from somewhere, other people.
Just Do…
The obvious thing to do, at this point, it all sounds like a cliche. I will do this, I will do that, yeah right. I can only imagine what life is like for other people; it can’t be easy. I look at myself and wonder who I am, I wonder what life was like back in the day, and I mean way back, of course, socially and societally life is way better today, and that is an understatement. I mean, some aspects of it were brutal, kids playing outside while looking at a group of slaves picking cotton, kids brushing their teeth and seeing through the window their father whipping a slave for underperforming, what did those screams do to that kid? It was a normal thing to them, so in hindsight, I can’t judge who these kids grew up to be and the things they did after they were old enough to hold a whip. The same thing could be said for a lot of people today; they are a product of their environment, but there is one question I beg to ask: does it matter whether they knew it or not? Society can’t even figure that out because society would judge a seventeen year old as a minor but if they were to have done that same crime ten days later, after their eighteenth birthday, then society would have judged them as adults, in reality nothing changed in those ten days but the arbitrary number 18 when it comes to age is what changes everything. They were seventeen; they didn’t know any better, but somehow, in ten days, they should have known that what they did was wrong. Society handles concepts weirdly at times, but it has to because order has to come from somewhere, and there is no time to wait for the perfect system because life never stops.
Saying this and saying that…
You say you are going to do this and that but never follow through. I am guilty of this—does that make me a failure or simply human? Why does everything have to be so complicated? I can dream, but dreams rarely become realities, at least in my world. It makes me wonder if I’m looking at things wrong, if I’m perceiving the world the right way. Am I doing it wrong? How should I approach it? Do I give up when things don’t work out? Why do I keep hurting myself with failures from time to time? What hurts even more is that when I succeed, I don’t feel relief or pride because all I think about is how I have to maintain the success. Graduating college—most people would celebrate, but I didn’t because it meant nothing significant to me. Graduating doesn’t guarantee success in your endeavors. Look at all those lawyers who went to law school, deep in debt, only to end up being some underpaid public defender, all those teachers who took out loans to become teachers, only to end up teaching in some public school, where they’re not paid enough for what they have to go through. We just have to chalk it up to “LIFE” at the end of the day, and that’s sad—“well, that’s life.” People celebrate graduation like they achieved something great, maybe they did and maybe not. But check to check, all my life, my parents’ lives, everyone I know lives like that. I want to end the streak, but to do that I’d have to take risks and think outside the box. The downside of this is RISK—the thing about risks is they’re risky, and most of them don’t turn out how you want, hence the term RISK. But when the risk pays off, maybe, just maybe, I can finally celebrate an achievement of my own. Until then, I guess I’ll keep trying, and with every roadblock… “well, that’s life.”
Jealousy.
Healthy? Human? Bad? Good? Should I suppress it or let it run wild? I think I’ll stick with human, it is part of being human. I still don’t know what it feels like to be jealous because I haven’t paid attention when it happened to me. I can’t remember the last time I felt jealous. Is jealousy envy of what others have? What if I’m glad they have it, and I wish I had it too? Is that jealousy or envy? And is it such a bad thing to want what others have, even if you think they don’t deserve it? Jealousy and envy carry negative connotations, but they are human feelings, and you can use them to your advantage. Jealousy shows you're human—you need something someone else has, or you’re envious of what they possess. The feeling isn’t wrong; it’s what you do with it that determines whether it’s good or bad. Some get jealous and go off the rails, tearing others down, while others use that feeling to motivate themselves to get what the other person has. It’s complicated. When I see my partner talking to another attractive person of the opposite sex, I get jealous. That’s not a sign of insecurity; it’s a sign of being human and being in love. My partner should see my jealousy as a compliment, not as some kind of “controlling” behavior. That’s always bothered me. Why do some people see wanting to protect your significant other from what life throws at them as controlling? Whatever happens to them, happens to you too because you share their life, and if you love them, you should feel what they feel. It is only human that we have these feelings, and if I can’t open up to you about what bothers me, then what is the point of our love? I understand how people of my sex think, to you they might seem tame but I understand what we are like when we are around someone we like, I see the signs, so take my warnings serious and don’t chalk it up to just “jealousy” or “overreaction” or even worse “insecure”, these responses are one of the worst nightmares coming from someone you consider your soul, SOUL-MATE.
Feelings.
Part of being human, annoys me, especially this part—feelings. I can’t help them. Sometimes I wish I could go without feelings, but that’s what makes us human; it's what shapes us and what makes us who we are. Being human is frustrating at times. I know doing that is wrong, but my feelings won't let me resist that urge. Isn’t that frustrating? Sometimes I wish I didn’t have some of these feelings, so my life would be easier, and decisions would all be logical. But then, is that really living? Again, that’s my human side speaking—“living.” Why does that even matter? Why should it matter? Being logical all the time isn’t right; sometimes you need to understand why people do what they do. That’s called empathy, another feeling. The problem with empathy is that it goes both ways, and being human makes it harder for it to be universal. Some people feel empathy for bad people, some for good people. And what’s good and bad is subjective. If you ask me, there's no such thing as objective good or bad in humanity. Because if there were, then what was considered objectively good or bad a thousand years ago would still be true today—yet that’s not the case, and it never will be. One big reason why is this small thing called science, and what is science? Knowledge. A few hundred years ago, in some societies, it was inherently good to sacrifice your children’s lives to the gods for the betterment of society. But then science came along, and we learned that gods didn’t send pests to destroy your crops, and there is nothing you can do about it, you can use pesticides, and the problem is gone, so no need to sacrifice your children’s lives to the “gods”, funny how life works.
Who are you?
I have this feeling inside me that has always craved to belong. I don’t like the feeling, and I don’t know where it came from. It annoys me, to say the least. At my core, I understand why it’s there, but still, it suppresses who I am, who I can be, and who I should be. I don’t like attention, yet who I am pulls attention—I can’t control that. Maybe I just have to find a way to live with it. Maybe I can see attention in a different light. What I do requires attention to succeed, to fulfill whatever I think my legacy is. I can only do that through attention from others, and yet I hate attention. Why did it have to be me? Sometimes I wonder. When people approach me and ask questions about who I am, I feel like a failure, in some sense, because I didn’t blend in well enough. Why do I get these feelings? But the reality is, I can’t really blend in the way I want or wish I could because my physical features won’t allow it. How do I embrace it? I don’t know. I should find a way sooner rather than later because I keep feeling like I am being judged every time someone gets curious and approaches me with questions. I just want to be left alone. Introverted as I am why curse me with these unique features that lead people to approach me every time I am outside? Nature truly has a sick sense of humor. When it happens, I am not angry, annoyed, or sad—I just get this feeling of, “I wish that never happened. I wish I could just blend in.” Maybe I need to use that fact to my advantage—to get what I want in life, to keep my legacy alive… I need to find the strengths in what I see as weaknesses in me, a hard challenge but it is my life, something has to be done.
These words.
These words mean something to me; they cut deeper than swords. With a sword, you understand what happened; getting rid of the pain is straightforward—you can call an ambulance, and they’ll sort you out. Not with words. It cuts deeper because it’s not physical pain. “I love you,” “I hate you,” “I despise you”—these words matter. Depending on who says them or to whom they are said, they evoke different feelings, and that’s what makes them powerful. “Think about what you say before you say it,” is a sentiment I hear often, and it makes sense. Why wouldn’t it? Why risk everything because of feelings or feeling slighted? Life is already complicated enough—why add to it? Couples struggle with saying “I love you,” especially the first “I love you,” because it’s a huge commitment. It suggests that out of billions of people, I chose you to spend the rest of my life with. That’s a scary thought, but it’s there—love itself is complex. The words “I love you” don’t do the feeling justice because I love food, my computer, my dog, my family, my friends, my job, my passion. “I love you” doesn’t hit as hard as it should because we hear it frequently, and human nature is to get used to things, which weakens their effect. They’re still there, but not as strong. Words matter—or so I’ve heard. I don’t promise, because promises don’t care about circumstances; they still need to be made. The government doesn’t care that your whole family died in a fire, and you spent all your money laying them to rest; you still have to pay your taxes. Your child doesn’t care that your boss threatened to fire you if you didn’t stay late; you missed his soccer game anyway. Your spouse doesn’t care that you’re stressed about providing for her; you still forgot your anniversary. Promises, promises…
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
