Gone.
Art : Concrete…
By Sakuan.
Gone.
My arms are sore; I did a proper workout for the first time in a long while, and I have to say one thing: the human body is such an interesting thing. People are different—some feel pain, some don’t; genetics play a huge role in what your body will be like. It’s not fair, but we still have to live our lives. Some people are born with cancer; others aren’t lucky enough to have parents who take care of themselves during pregnancy, ending up with all kinds of immune deficiency diseases. I’ve always thought how unfair it is for a child to be born into a household where a parent smokes or drinks because you’re not giving your child a choice. There’s a high chance they’ll end up smoking or drinking as well. When a two-year-old sees mom or dad smoke regularly, they think it’s okay— their sense of “bad” and “good” comes from their parents. Smoking is a bad habit because it damages your health, is costly, and is inconvenient because it controls you. You might want to do something else, but an urge to smoke can strike out of nowhere, and you have to scratch that itch; you realize you’re no longer in control of your own body. I’ve always wondered, for people who scream ‘freedom’ and ‘control,’ how is it that they willingly take drugs that take control over their bodies? This is one of the reasons I don’t drink, smoke, or take any drugs. The only time I’m comfortable surrendering control of my body is when I’m sleeping. If our bodies didn’t need rest, I don’t think I would ever sleep. As I said, not being in control of my body, my mind, my actions, and my words makes me uncomfortable. However, there is something I am willing to lose control over—my mind with, LOVE.
Tinker.
Sometimes, you have to adjust what you initially planned to do. Sometimes, you need to acknowledge that life happens and know when to be who you need to be. Your plans might not go as expected, you might get stressed, and your smart-watch might go crazy. Accountability is how I tweak my life for the better, and it works wonders. Having something that keeps you accountable no matter what will keep you on track. For me, it was social media and my smart-watch. Of course, there are other things that hold me accountable, but I mentioned these two because they are pretty universal and accessible. I changed my approach because I want to stay on a streak—posting what I worked on each day on social media, and at the end of each week, sharing what I’ve been writing throughout the week. I use my social media to hold myself accountable, and it works. It’s been five years without a misstep, and I’m proud of myself. I don’t feel like a loser or a failure. I started doing this because I have to become someone else’s some day and it wouldn’t be fair to them if I brought nothing to the table. I’m not just talking financially, though that would help; I was mentally off. I kept asking myself, “What do I have to justify my existence?” or “What do I have to show for my existence?” Some people have businesses or careers to demonstrate their efforts. A traditional career didn’t make sense to me because it would require retirement someday, and I’ve always wanted something I wouldn’t need to retire from. Now if someone was to ask me what I have to show for my existence, I can point to my social media accounts and website—the things that keep me accountable. What truly makes a difference is the fact that I’m proud of what I do.
Smart watches and accountability.
I mentioned smart-watches earlier and how they help me with accountability. I was one of those people who didn’t see the point of having one, until I got one and realized I didn’t know much about the human brain. I should have figured it out before — dopamine. Seeing the numbers go up, down, or stay the same affects your brain. It’s a human factor I never really considered, especially when it came to my health. When I look at my smart-watch and see it says I have 2,000 steps left for the day, I find myself getting up and going for a walk. When my wrist vibrates to congratulate me on hitting my step goal, I feel a sense of accomplishment. I get a dopamine hit and become healthier — a win-win. It tells me how many calories I’ve burned and helps keep my life organized. It’s always there to remind me I’m on the right path when I hit my goals — accountability. It keeps me accountable, but I set the goals, so in a weird way, I keep myself accountable through something else — just like social media does. Before I know it, I find myself losing weight — in a good way — and working out more. People might say, "But you can do it without a smart-watch," yes, you can, much like you can learn everything taught in college online on your own. But you still take out thousands in student debt to get an education. You might say you need a degree, and you’re right — but not for jobs that are skill-based, like coding. You can learn everything about coding online on your own, but people still take thousands in debt to attend college for it. Just because someone chose to go to college and study coding instead of teaching themselves online doesn’t show a lack of self-discipline. I’m still trying to figure out why humans are this way…
System.
A way of doing things, you have a way and I have a way, we all have way of doing things—some care, some don't. So, what does it matter to you? Do you understand what kind of person you are? Do you think before you speak? How do people perceive you? Are you responsible? Do you love your life? Do you care about others? One thing can mean something else, and one person can be someone else. I don’t know who you are or what you do; all I know is that I am here for you and always will be. My parents are here too, and I want to help them, but I need a system to do that. I need to be someone special, to belong, to properly address my needs in a healthy way. I see people have these systems that look terrible but work for them, so who am I to judge? I can always depend on myself to do special things. I have to follow a system. Let me understand this—I am special, or at least I have to tell myself that so I can do what I need to do. Motivation helps a lot. I could praise myself, but what kind of person does that straight-faced? Who does that without feeling silly? I wonder how their system works. I am special, and that’s the only way I can do what I do because I believe I am. People ask me all kinds of questions about how I navigate life, and I never have answers because I don’t really belong, and I never will. Not because I don’t want to or don't try, but because this is who I am at my core. I am comfortable with that, and it might lead to a stagnant life. But I am completely okay with it, and that worries me the most—the fact that I am okay with it.
Appease.
Why should I sacrifice my feelings, my beliefs, my thoughts, my way of life just to appease you? Where is your sacrifice? What about my feelings? Don’t they matter? I thought everyone’s life is precious, I thought we were all supposed to treat each other with consideration and respect. Why should I follow what you say? Who made you God? Why should I listen to you? I struggle every day, and I keep going because I have to, I keep up with it because that’s who I am, and because if I don’t, someone else will take control — and that wouldn’t be good for any of us. I’ve sacrificed so much to please you, and you’ve done nothing in return to consider my feelings. Why? Have you ever thought that I act the way I do because I have my own set of beliefs? Beliefs that keep me off that bridge even though all I think about is jumping. My beliefs aren’t yours — just like your beliefs keep you off that bridge, mine do too. Consider that. We don’t have to be friends; we don’t have to interact. I’m fine in my neck of the woods, I won’t bother you — just don’t bother me and mines with your beliefs. I understand and respect yours, and I hope you’ll do the same for me. I show my respect by not judging or trying to change who you are. Why does your respect come from me switching my beliefs to yours? Just leave me and mine alone. Is that so much to ask? People often think it’s complicated, but it’s not. We as humans make it complicated — often out of stubbornness and privilege, on both sides. This is how I feel, what does this make me? Am I a bad person now for feeling this way? I’ve gone so far I don’t even know anymore.
I’m good.
“I’m the best, the world should revolve around me, I feel like a villain, I feel like a hero, I am who I need to be, this is who I should be, people should bow before me, I can do no wrong, I am always right, the only way I am wrong is if I lose an argument but I never lose so that makes me right.” Said no one ever, but sometimes in our heads, we say some of these things; we mean them too. However, once we step into the real world, we find out quickly how far from the truth we are. Some of these things you have to earn; society only treats you according to what you can give it. If you sell something it can use, it’ll make you rich. If a part of it thinks you are cool, other parts of it are likely to follow suit, that is just how the world works, the more you have the more you are likely to have more and the less you have the more likely you are to have even less. Some call it unfortunate, others call it the Pareto distribution. That is just how life is, you work hard to afford things and after you are successful you start getting all the stuff you worked hard for for free. A symbiotic relationship with society, you get the free stuff and it gets to be in your good books. The prey and the hunter, who are you? Which part of society are you in? We are all prey in one way of another because that is how society gets to live in peace, we always have to sacrifice some of our freedom to keep the order intact. whether you look at that as being prey or not is subjective. Some will look at the lack of control of their lives as being preyed on and others will look at it as a necessity that allows them to sleep calmly at night. “What do I think about it?” Well, complicated.
By Nu Nazareth.
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