Friendship.
Art : The Pet.
By Sakuan.
Deep inside I know I’m good at helping other people, the problem is the initial steps are harder for me, but I know they’re crucial as they are part of building a strong relationship. I’m guessing this is why I haven’t had a good friend in so long, I don’t think about it a lot, almost never think about it these days, I solely focus on my art. “Right now I have nothing, so what am I going to offer them?” this is what I think about when the thought of considering getting a good friend pops in my head, and it wouldn’t be fair to them. I feel like I must put my life together or try to before I invite somebody else into my life. I don’t want them to come and help me carry my cross, even though I know that’s one of the main things friends help you with. My thoughts are so messed up that sometimes I think they’ll help me carry my cross just to be nice, and if there’s one thing I don’t appreciate is someone doing something for me just because they feel bad for me. When someone does something for me I prefer it to be because they are good people and they really wanted to help, people having sympathy for me is weird considering I don’t have sympathy for myself sometimes. Can this be considered self-hate? Me not having sympathy for myself? If it is, then I guess I’m a lost man, sometimes I look at people and the way they act, and you can tell they feel like they’re the shit, they’re above everyone else, they walk with their head up high, treating people like they should serve them or worship them, they feel entitled to something, they feel like they’re owed to be respected and I don’t understand it, maybe I’ve experienced a lot of diversity that I know how lucky I am to be in a country like this. Sometimes when I look at politics I see people who are highly entitled, and I wonder how it feels to be entitled, how does it feel when you get what you are fighting for, does it feel good? Do you move on to the next thing? What do you do after that? Do you find a new goal then start the process all over again? I wonder.
Now tell me if this is fucked up, sometimes I ask myself, “Hey Sam, if you didn’t have a family, let’s say you were an orphan with nobody else in the world, and you didn’t want to have kids or a family in the future, would you still work as hard as you are right now?” Is it messed up that my answer is NO? Does that mean I don’t care about myself, or does it mean I care about other people more? Should I really strive hard for myself or the people I care about? Of course, there are things that I’m into, things that I love dearly, that being my art, electronics, and also I love houses, these are the main things that I’m into, but the interesting thing is if I don’t get to buy any of those things I would be cool with it because the thought of getting them doesn’t really motivate me to work hard. One of the reasons I work hard is so that I can experience what life is like to have financial freedom, I’ve never experienced that, I guess it must be nice. Money is not the goal, leaving a mark is the goal, a mark that’ll tell my story, a mark that’ll encourage people to do what they love, I know it’s hard to figure out what you love, I was lucky that I knew what I liked early on in my life, a lot of people aren’t as lucky. There are two types of people in my opinion: those who LOVE what they do and those who LEARN to LOVE what they do. The latter especially applies to those who don’t have a clue to what they want to do, just pick something and stick with it, that begs the question, can you learn to love something or is love just something that happens, how do you learn to love something let alone love someone.
